My Higher Power is John Stamos
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
