my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
