I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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