I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It all started with a game of naked twister.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
