my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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