i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
jump out the window naked night went bad
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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