omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
