Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
