You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
false alarm, still single
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
