Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
