Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
