We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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