I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
