you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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