It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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