so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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