Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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