I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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