Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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