She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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