It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
