JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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