i barfeds in our rink
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
