went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
