I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
