my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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