Apparently you make a good broom.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
