my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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