Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
