I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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