when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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