I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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