So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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