im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
