I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
