today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
