You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize