You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
