I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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