ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
