I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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