i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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