I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
