She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
