Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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