I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
