the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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