I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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