U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
