I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
