Just cropdusted the office
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
