I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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