did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
