Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize