why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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