Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
