so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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