yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
